Because our culture lacks safe spaces to talk about this type of reproductive loss—many women and men feel that their personal experiences may be judged, labeled, minimized or even ignored. Abortion is rarely a decision taken lightly. Those who’ve made that difficult choice, their family members, and friends seek the opportunity to share and dialogue about their experiences.
More than one out of every three American women will have had an abortion by age 45. Their husbands, boyfriends, brothers and sisters, and other relatives also seek support and resolution to their thoughts and emotions surrounding the experience. Almost everyone knows somebody affected by an abortion or lost pregnancy — but it still remains one of the most difficult subjects to discuss, and little exploration has been done of the influence upon those close to the women who experience it.
Every person moves through reproductive loss and grief differently. “I was completely unprepared for the emotional fallout,” says Michaelene Fredenburg, author of a new book on loss experienced from abortion. “For years I suffered in silence,” she remembers. An abortion experience can create a range of emotions, from feelings of relief, to confusion, to more severe instances of sadness or depression. These emotions can change or take on new meaning over time.
Although the loss experienced because of an abortion has significant differences than that of a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, the grief and reactions that women, men, and families experience are similar. However, because the loss suffered through abortion was chosen (usually as a result of pressure from others or their circumstances) and typically kept a secret, the ability for women, men, family members and others to grieve that loss is complicated.
Fredenburg, a noted speaker and commentator on this topic, understands this complex environment from personal experience. Fredenburg became pregnant at age 18 and chose an abortion. Because of her own journey, and after years of hearing from men, women, grandparents, and siblings about the difficulty of finding a safe space to explore their experiences, she created the national outreach effort Abortion Changes You™ (www.abortionchangesyou.com) and authored Changed: Making Sense of Your Own or a Loved One’s Abortion Experience. This outreach and book provide a much-needed space where people of different viewpoints can share, build community, and start the grieving process. “It is our hope that the space we’ve created online and in the book will help people know they are not alone and healing resources are available,” says Fredenburg.
Men and women with little social support are at an increased risk of distress or unhealthy coping behaviors. Fredenburg stresses that building a compassionate cultural dialogue surrounding abortion, and equipping friends and family members to support loved ones who have been touched by abortion is long overdue. “I believe many people are tired of the polarization,” says Fredenburg, “More men and women are starting to ask ‘How can I be a safe place for my loved one?’ Abortion Changes You is a starting point for our family members and friends, a safe place away from politics, labels, and debate.”
